Advanced Workouts Not Coming to Apple Fitness+ (Pug Edition)

“The keys to life are a balanced diet, fitness routine, and a gym membership. Do you have an Apple Watch?”
— Gym Owners or Personal Trainers, all of whom want your money

“The keys to life are family and friends. And a good pet. For pure loyalty there is nothing like a pug.”
— Robin Williams

“Pug training is how we always used to get in shape in the old days.”

Calf raises, hold your pug close to your heart, while standing in line at the pet store’s checkout lane and making sure your pug won’t leap out of your arms because the pug wants to murder the annoying AF poodle who’s about to chomp your leg or your pug’s leg

Chasing a pug at full speed, in the style of Rocky Balboa, with another pug strapped to your chest in a BABYBJÖRN

Clapping pushups with a pug asleep on your back, done silently and without waking the pug, during a Zoom conference call for work

High-Intensity deltoid workout with two pugs on separate leashes, one in each clenched fist, talk on the phone with your mother and make it sound like you’re listening to her

Lift your pug and leash your pug at the same time, then do squats outside a Wendy’s, treat yourself and your pugs to some Wendy’s as a post-workout meal, hopefully you brought poop bags for you and your pugs who will really have to go when this is over

One-legged hop after stepping on a dog bone, isometric pillow hold over mouth, scream at a high pitch that sounds like your pug getting their nails trimmed

Outdoor walk into a pile of your pug’s poo, whacking your shoes in high-intensity intervals on the ground to make sure the poo absolutely, positively will not hitchhike with you back home

Pamplona Pug Run but without sneakers, and you’re covered in bacon, the pugs have not eaten all day

Stand up, don’t be lazy on the sofa all day, now chase your pugs but you do so on all fours the way the pugs run

“What smells so odd and yet so much like me? Did I do something wrong? Is it time to walk yet? Lunch?”

Vigorously scrub pug poo off your spouse’s favorite white rug before your spouse gets home and you better hurry because that rug is not manufactured anymore and there’s no way you’re going to find a replacement rug and there’s no way you’re going to be able to erase all the poo stain but keep scrubbing, keep scrubbing, put some muscle into it, LET’S HIT TODAY’S FITNESS GOAL

Blondie Pug photo, on Apple Watch face, by H. Tselentis