Typing with the Motherfucking iPhoneOnscreen Keyboard

Use your iPhone onscreen keyboard to input text in Messages, Contacts, and Email, and other apps, such as the mobile Safari web browser. To go to a website, open Safari and tap on the address bar. The cute but small-as-fuck keyboard appears, allowing you to enter a site’s address. Before you begin typing, look closely at the keys, and focus on tapping one motherfucking letter at a time precisely in the middle of the goddamn little fucking keys that are each the size of a No. 2 pencil’s eraser head.

No matter how hard you try, your fingers will unintentionally hit a letter — or letters — near the key you wanted to hit. Although it seems more precise, if you type on your onscreen keyboard with your fingernails instead of your fingertips, you will soon develop arthritis from using the tiger-claw typing technique. Your iPhone’s AppleCare Protection Plan does not cover arthritis.

Typing in portrait (a.k.a. “tall”) position (top) offers narrower keys compared to landscape (a.k.a. “wide”) position (bottom). No matter which keyboard position you prefer, use caution when attempting to type with your fingernails.

Keyboard Shortcuts

However, your onscreen keyboard includes shortcuts in order to reduce typing, reduce mistakes, and lessen the chance of your fingers cramping from overuse or strain. When typing an address in Safari, hold down the “.” key for access to the .us, .org, .edu, .net, and .com portion of a web address, slide your finger to the domain suffix you want, and when the correct one is highlighted, release your finger to input the address a whole lot fucking quicker than you could have typed the motherfucker.

Despite these shortcuts, you likely misspelled everything that came before the domain suffix, and arrived at a website you didn’t want to visit. If spelling errors happen repeatedly in Safari and you find yourself frequently visiting the wrong website, type the fucking address into Safari as a Google search — or use Bing if you’re one of those people. Search results may be more accurate than typing the motherfucker yourself, especially since search engines will often correct your misspellings.

If you do not arrive at the site you want after typing it into the address bar or utilizing search, do not punch your onscreen keyboard out of frustration, whereby you break the glass and cut your knuckles. AppleCare does not cover stitches.

The Wireless, Cumbersome Keyboard

Rather than limiting yourself to the little motherfucker known as the onscreen keyboard, you may purchase a separate Apple Wireless Keyboard that is a larger motherfucker, but easier to type with than your onscreen motherfucker. If you find it difficult to hold your iPhone while balancing your Apple Wireless Keyboard on your forearm and typing on it with the opposite hand, consider using a desk for both your iPhone and Wireless Keyboard so both hands can be free for typing. Placing your keyboard on a tabletop instead of your arm prevents you from scaring the hell out of children, who might think you’re a cyborg with an Apple Wireless Keyboard built into its wrist.

Dictation, the Blessing & Curse

If you would rather not use an Apple Wireless Keyboard with your iPhone, because it looks and is moronic, you can use dictation to input text with an iPhone. Dictation has its own learning curve and plenty of pain in the ass inaccuracies. To use dictation, turn on Siri: Settings > General > Siri. Note: In certain cases, cellular data charges may apply when using Siri, but who gives a shit, let’s see if we can avoid the pain in the ass known as your iPhone onscreen keyboard.

To save time and input hands-free, you can dictate text in Messages through the onscreen keyboard. Tap the microphone icon to the left of the small ass space bar, then speak, and when you’re finished click “Done” to see the warped results. Saying, “The spinosaurus exhibit is open,” fucks your words into, “The spinal sore us sex bits open,” which is nowhere near what the fuck you want to text the other room parents at your son’s kindergarten field trip.

Dictation can provide hands-free text input, provided you speak clearly and carefully. But to avoid any embarrassment, review the results before hitting “Send.”

Dictation has the added benefit of including punctuation and formatting commands. For example, saying, “Go all caps on fuck all caps off yourself comma Siri exclamation mark exclamation mark exclamation mark” enters “Go FUCK yourself, Siri!!!” into the text field.

Despite Siri’s plea, profanity may be necessary from time to time.

As you come to the realization that using an Apple Wireless Keyboard with your iPhone is fucking impractical and dictation can be just as inaccurate as typing, you will settle for typing with your onscreen keyboard. No matter how hard you strive for perfect spelling, it will rarely happen, but in time — and if you’re lucky — your iPhone’s auto-correct feature may become helpful by fixing words before you fucking mistype them. Your onscreen keyboard’s auto-correct dictionary is built from the words that you have typed — or in some cases, have mistyped — since you began using your phone. The auto-correct dictionary’s accuracy and effectiveness varies from person to person and language to language.