What If: Deadpool’s 2016 Cinematic Origin (Unofficial, Obvy, with Lots of Notes)

BLACK SCREEN

FADE IN:

Red smoke pushes through a black void. Blurry white dots emerge that soon become recognizable as lights, some red traffic lights, some bright yellow or white street lights.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY — NIGHT — ESTABLISHING

NARRATOR (Off Screen)
(in a grizzly voice, sounding sick)
I never wanted this.

SFX: REPETITIVE SNORTING SOUNDS

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT ROOM

As the camera pans across the room, it reveals a dimly lit and disheveled living quarters with furniture turned over, much of it broken. Silhouettes of what appear to be mutilated bodies litter the floor.

NARRATOR (Off Screen)
(stumbling over words)
Never wanted the victims… never wanted any of this. Never.

SFX: SNORTING SOUNDS, MUCH LONGER THAN PRIOR SNORTING SOUNDS

Having crossed the messy living room, the camera pans to the hooded NARRATOR, who sits and leans forward in a chair. His feet are squashing down what appears to be a body on the floor, and a sword is gripped tightly in each of the NARRATOR’s hands. The NARRATOR removes his hood and we see DEADPOOL, whose pose in the chair resembles that of a distressed king, carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. (NOTE: If possible, let’s put WADE in a throne and have him with a beard, ideally wearing the beard outside of his mask, in a pose resembling Conan from “CONAN THE BARBARIAN.” How fucking cool would that be? Right?!)

DEADPOOL
Too many people have suffered. And 20th Century Fox — I mean I… I know how to make people suffer.

BEGIN FLASHBACK — “X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE”

(NOTE: Many fans loathe “X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE.” Owing to that hatred, maybe your common sense is tingling, telling you to stop reading this “origin” and go back to “Liking” things on Facebook. But hold the fuck up, keep your thumbs “Like” real still, and read on.)

FLASHBACK BEGINS AND LINGERS ON BLURRY IMAGERY THAT CHANGES COLORS BUT NEVER COMES INTO FOCUS

DEADPOOL (Voice Over)
Fuck. This is taking way too long.
(singing)
Doodley doo doodley doo doodley doo doodley doo doodley doo doodley doo doodley doo doodley doo doodley doo doodley doo doodley doo
(upset)
Why the fuck does that “doodley doo” shit always work in “WAYNE’S WORLD” but here, I get absolutely no fucking flashback at all?! This isn’t a DC movie! I thought we had a healthy special effects budget here, people! Do I have to do everything? Do I? Fine!

CUT TO:

DEADPOOL in chair with sword in front of his face, the sword covered in cocaine from edge to edge.

SFX: DEADPOOL SNORTING COCAINE OFF THE SWORD FOR A VERY LONG TIME, WHAT COULD BE OVER A MINUTE WITHOUT COMING UP FOR AIR AND THE COCAINE MAKING THE FRONT OF HIS MASK POWDERY WHITE AND COVERING THE BEARD TAPED TO HIS MASK IN POWDERY WHITE, MAKING HIM LOOK SOMEWHAT LIKE SANTA (NOTE: Once DEADPOOL snorts all of the cocaine off one side of the sword, he turns it over and we see even more cocaine on the opposite side — which defies gravity, but who gives a fuck, he’s able to snort all of that cocaine off the opposing side too.)

DEADPOOL
(looking very revived and happy)
Okay, roll that beautiful bean footage!

SFX: DOG BARKING

CLOSEUP — DEADPOOL SITS IN THE CHAIR WITH DUKE, WHO IS THE SPOKESDOG FOR BUSH’S BAKED BEANS, GENTLY PETTING THE DOG WHILE THEY BOTH EAT BUSH’S BAKED BEANS, INCLUDING DUKE WHO USES HIS OWN HAND THAT’S HOLDING A SPOON WITH BEANS (Note: If there isn’t a healthy special effects budget for us to add the dog’s arm and hand, let’s just cover a broomstick with some carpet and attach a mannequin hand or something, and tape a spoon to the hand. Should be fine.)

MONTAGE — INT. OFFICE BUILDING — NIGHT

• Wade Wilson is surrounded by his colleagues in arms, including WOLVERINE and SABRETOOTH, plus some other less important people.
• The elevator door opens and Wade Wilson draws his swords to take on a merciless array of bullets.
• Wade Wilson jumps into the air, and finishes off two body guards with each sword.
• (NOTE: Because of the massive amount of cocaine DEADPOOL has put up his nose to get this MONTAGE going, the above MONTAGE should play at double speed.)

DEADPOOL (Voice Over)
Along the way, I suffered myself — or more specifically, made you all suffer.

MONTAGE — INT. LABORATORY — THE ISLAND

• Wade Wilson lays on a table with dark marks drawn or tattooed on his body and equipment attached to his skin.
• His mouth is sewn closed, and he will soon become WEAPON XI.
• Weapon XI battles Wolverine in a final standoff.
• (NOTE: The cocaine has really begun to flow into DEADPOOL’s system so this MONTAGE should now play at quadruple speed, and by going faster, this also saves viewers the pain of having to relive this fucking dreadful scene in a fucking dreadful movie for any dreadfully fucking longer than needed.)

MONTAGE — EXT. THE ISLAND — LATER

• Crumbled rocks fill our view.
• A long blade disappears into the rubble, and the hand it belongs to reaches out towards the head of Weapon XI.

WEAPON XI
(hand rests on head)
Shhhhh…

END FLASHBACK

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT ROOM — SAME

CLOSEUP—DEADPOOL REMOVES THE BEARD FROM HIS MASK, PUTS IT ON DUKE, PETS THE DOG NICELY AND THEN TAKES OFF HIS DEADPOOL MASK

We see WADE WILSON, whose face looks similar to a pepperoni pizza that’s been dragged by Pizza Rat over 14 miles from Queens to Red Hook, a pizza that’s been chewed on a little bit during the journey, with lots and lots of bite marks, and also some blood splattered on the slice because Pizza Rat has scraped hair and skin off his chin to expose raw, bloody tissue, because his chin was dragging on the ground during the last leg of the trek when he got really, really fucking tired.

WADE WILSON
(in a voice no longer sickly, but rather, clear and eloquent)
Stop the fuck.

(NOTE: Plenty of other expletives could be used when DEADPOOL interrupts. “Stop the fuck” is just one suggestion.)

WADE WILSON (CONT.)
Really? Swords?
(laughing)
In my arms? Coming out of my hands?
(shaking head in disgust)
What a bunch of fucking bullshit. Bullshit!

CUT TO:

A littered floor that includes pizza boxes, burrito wrappers, and other garbage, and what appear to be a number of inflatable pool toys and what could also be some inflatable sex toys. Wade Wilson reaches for something on the floor and in the process, he says, “Hi,” to PIZZA RAT, who is scurrying around with Deadpool’s mask in his mouth. Wade Wilson picks up a semi-inflated pool toy.

CUT TO:

CLOSEUP — WADE WILSON BLOWING AIR INTO A SEMI-INFLATED UNICORN PARTY TUBE RAFT WITH FOUR COASTERS AND AN ICE TRAY

SFX: INFLATABLE BEING BLOWN UP

WADE WILSON
(stops inflating toy, points to compartments on the inflatable unicorn)
Look at all of the places I can store my cocaine, Pizza Rat! Or my guns and ammo! Or better yet, my cocaine-covered guns and ammo!

CLOSEUP —APPEARING TO FEEL VERY GUILTY, PIZZA RAT TAKES DEADPOOL’S MASK OUT OF HIS MOUTH, PICKS UP A SLICE OF PIZZA INSTEAD, RAISES HIS PAW, AND GIVES A “THUMBS UP” TO DEADPOOL (Note: If we only have the budget to do one animal effect — either DUKE with a hand to eat his beans or these PIZZA RAT effects — let’s save the money for the PIZZA RAT effects instead and go with that broomstick-carpet-mannequin-arm for DUKE.)

WADE WILSON (CONT.)
(multitasks, inflating the unicorn and speaking, making his speech difficult to understand)
Let me tell you how this “origin” shit really went down.

FADE OUT

ANGEL OF THE MORNING by JUICE NEWTON plays.